Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize