so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize