Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
