I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
