Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
