I am spending my child support on dildos
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize