I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
