Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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