Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
