its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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