he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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