I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
