So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
