so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
