Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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