I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
