im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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