tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
