i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
