Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How does one acquire holy water?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
