I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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