im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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