Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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