apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
