Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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