I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
