hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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