As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
