she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
