my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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