He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
