Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
