Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
