The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
