Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
