What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
