3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
