I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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