she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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