My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
