I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize