Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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