I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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