Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
