can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
