No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
