Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
