I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
