my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
is wine microwaveable?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
