I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You took a bar mat shot.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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