If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
