you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
