Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
