So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize