I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
