I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
