He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
