And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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