I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
