Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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