he wants to bone in the snuggie
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
