you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
