Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
