i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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