My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
