You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
