I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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