I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
