if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
