oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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